The Final Goodbye

He sat on his swivel chair motionless for several minutes. He forgot to blink, almost did not realize that he was not taking in air. Not believing the two emails that he just read.


"She replied... She actually replied"

When all his thoughts attacked his fickle mind at the same moment, he found it hard to understand what he was thinking. With the sheer volume of ideas that came flooding in, it was as if his mind went blank. His senses failed him, at one moment he could not see the objects before him, only the vision of her smiling, saying the words that was written in the emails that he was reading.

What sweet words, the very ones that he was longing to to hear for a long time. That smile that always erased all the pain, those lips that did not only touched his lips, but used to kiss the pains of his heart away. That infectious smile that was like a mirror to everybody who sees it.

It was the most potent weapon in her arsenal, if only a smile could kill she would have been the most highest paid assassin. For when that smile was directed at you, you would have no choice but to comply with the wishes of the user. It was that smile that used to quell all his anger, to tame the monster inside of him. That smile she used to make him do her bidding.

There was a sad smile on his lips, when he remembered those times. Happy times, Euphoric. She was not bad, he was a willing slave. He was addicted to her. He still is.

He willed himself to stop reading the messages over and over again. But it was so difficult.

How he wished the emails will not end in the way that it did, with those words... "Goodbye"

He did not doubt, the sincerity of the letter, "She means well"; "maybe she will get married soon", is what he thinks, everybody else seems to be getting married these past few months.

It really did not matter, it was too late.

He wanted very much to write her back, there was so much he wanted to say, he deliberated on it for some time but, the post script contained a request that says, "Please do not reply anymore..."

He was confused, the things that she wrote in the messages were finally of the same context as his arguments before, when they broke up. "Our love was different"; "She appreciated those scattered petals", "She loved the electrifying hug that I missed so much, as much as I do"; "Our love could not be measured with conventional and unconventional units of measure"; "She remembers Mr. Car and her mark on him"; "She knows that I loved her much more that I love myself"; " She loved me too, as much as she could at one point of our failed relationship"

"So what happened?"

"Why did we end?"

"Why was I not given another chance?"

"If she misses me, and sees me as different from all the statistics, then why did she decide to forget about the promises they made?"

He dwelt on these questions, and others that kept on hammering his head, but knew that most of these questions were a dead end.

They had been asked many times before, but he never liked the answers, because all that he really needed to hear from her was. "I am sorry, I love you I want to be with you again"

That would have made it right for him, that would have been the best day of his life, but those words never came.

He remembers all of his efforts were futile. He knew he was powerless, she has already decided and nothing could change her mind.

For a long time, he hoped for them to be together again. Day in and day out he thought of nothing else but her.

Until one day, when he has found out that she was in love with another person.

On that day that his world crumbled down, and he died one more time. He wrote a letter to her, bidding her well and saying his final goodbye.

For even if there is nothing in the world that would please him more than to have her in his arms again. He knows that the degree of love that he has for her will not permit, that he forces her to accept him in her life. If it was truly what she wished for, if it was what will make her happy... Then like a cliche he would have to set her Free.

"Anyway", he said to himself, "I have always let her do the things that she thought will make her happy" he knows that it was always the way he treated her.

He always placed her at a pedestal away from from anybody's reach, she always came first, Her happiness was his priority.

This is inevitable, its just the way things go, maybe this an ending to a chapter of his life...

Maybe the amount of happiness that was allotted for him was already used up, when they were still together.

In their case, absence did not make the heart grow fonder. Too bad. How he wished that his dreams were a reality and his reality were merely dreams.

In the letter she said, that she also had mixed emotions cause even if she prayed for him to move on, a part of her knew that the goodbye would also mean she will loose him forever.

This is a statement that he could agree with.

He had to say something, but how? When there was an explicit request not to reply anymore.

When no bright thought came to him, he took breath and whispered very softly, talking to the smiling vision of her in front of him.

Wishing that he could touch her pretty face as he spoke, hoping, yearning to see her again...

In his quiet whisper on that usual sad smile, he said:

" You just don't get it do you?

I already gave you my heart. I am yours, I fell in love with you almost at first sight. I remember how it started, it was at that day that you slammed the door in my face by accident." He almost laughed out load, remembering the incident, " And I fell deeper in love with you every day after that."

As he slowly proceeded with his monologue, his face grew serious once again and he said, "When you left, my heart was already at the point of no return, I could not have stopped loving you, even if I died when you broke up with me, I would just have continued on loving you from the underworld."

He shifted his weight and adjusted his swivel chair, as he continued with an apologetic whisper, "Out of frustration at not being able to control the situation, I may have said things that hurt you and I am sorry. But those never meant that I have stopped loving you." He said so sincerely.

Unconsciously, he took his lighter and a cigarette but noticing that he was inside the office, he put them back at his trousers. Then he continued.

"I see that you are still confused. I see that a portion of you still longs for the kind of happiness that we shared. That a tiny voice in your head was always, leading you back to me but you never gave it a chance. I was angry about that too. But not anymore.

This is your Life Wi_f_y...

Its your decision, do whatever makes you happy, I shall not force you to accept me into your life, like the way I used to. I will respect your decision. I will give you as much of a space as you need."

He paused, and tried to calm down, he could feel his emotions rising up, but he managed to control it in time.

He stared straight into the eyes of his imagined someone, she seemed so real, she was listening, the way she used to, he imagined that she too was somber waiting for what he had to say next.

Then he continued,

"But don't you ever think that you will loose me, you have my heart, you brought it with you when you left, it is a pity that you misplaced it. Because it knows only you... You and you alone...

Do you remember? That day, when I told you to take good care of it? It was at that time, when you said yes, that I gave it to you...

I did not have any choice about how I would feel after that because it has made you his mistress and obeys only you... I did not care for the pain that time brought upon me, or the perennial longing to be with you again.

Despite the suffering of being left alone and being replaced, I was only really angry because you did not want me anymore.

But even if I tried to fuel my anger with hate, I could not sustain it, because I can not stop my heart from loving you, it was no longer mine to command, because it has already chosen who to side with, my heart could not see your flaws, it only knew that it was only with you that it could truly be happy.
'

Forcing himself to smile, he felt the muscles in his face tighten, when he said, "Now, like a fool I am trying to be happy for you, because I know that that would please you.

Not wanting to be misunderstood, he added, "Do not worry, I will not wait for you, just as you have made it to be, you are free.

But when the day, comes that that little voice, shouts at you and you finally listen to it. You should not hesitate, just find me and embrace me and everything will be forgotten, everything will be alright. Do not be sad about what I am telling you, I am happy. I am happy for you.

Your a silly little girl, to think that you will loose a portion of your soul... I still believe that, despite my better judgement, I mean it, it is the way that I feel.

I maybe a fool, but I am your fool..."

And as he typed the final period, he stopped and reviewed what he wrote, he stretched his neck to ease the tension that was building up from writing such a lengthy letter.

He was surprised to see that the people in his cubicle was staring at him, then he felt it. The familiar heat of his tears trickling down his face. He did not know that he was crying as he wrote, it isn't new, it has been that way for a long time now, involuntary tears...

So he wiped his tears and made the mandatory smile to his office mates.

Stooped down his desk and cleared it as he prepared to leave the office for the day, and all the while he could hear his thoughts saying:

"Goodbye.... Goodbye.... Goodbyee my love, my heart, my love goodbye, Goodbye goodbye goodbye...."