A Parents heartache

It was the perfect morning. We were talking nonsense in the car, laughing at your joke as you pretended to speak Korean but it was absolute gibberish.

When we got there I helped you with your bag and held your hand as we climbed the stairs.

 “We’re here!” I said with a smile and was going to give you a hug, but you saw your classmates and one of them shouted, “James is here!” because of that everyone cheered, “James is here! James is here!”

I saw how happy you were when you entered the classroom, I hurriedly shouted, “Have fun, I love you!” but you did not hear me, the door closed and I was left alone, badly needing a hug from you.

The time will come when you will no longer need me I know. But not yet please, for now I need for you to need me.

Ask me to feed you, and hold you when your afraid of the dark or carry you when your tired.

There are times when you want to do things on your own and it stings a little when I ask if you needed my help, and you say no.

If only I could I would make sure that nothing would harm you, I am sure I would pulverize anybody who will hurt you and show you how much I love you with all my might until the end of my days.

I could do that and more, all I ask you is never to forget about me.

You will always be my baby boy. May you always remember that it is Daddy, who loves you the most, long after I am gone.

Saying goodbye to Autumn

the last leaf that fell on the ground signified a different kind of cold. one that sent shivers not only to my body but made even my heart cold. in my mind i see the splendor of what you would have been. a beauty so simple and pure; a radiance of love so strong it demands love in return. i have imagined you for a very long time, you would have looked exactly like your mom, with a smile that would melt even hearts made out of steel.

of how your mom would have made a fuss of you, always buying you too much stuffs. girl stuffs that she would make you wear and me enjoying seeing her enjoy doing that for you. you would have made us complete, my baby girl, our baby girl. i may have missed you today but the last time will surely not be the last time. goodbye for now dear Autumn. 

for now i will be content to see you in my dreams. for as long as i am alive know that you will be forever in my heart, my days are filled with thoughts of you, of the things we would have done together. i take joy that you are now with him and that he will take good care of you.

i will see you again; there we will continue the love i have reserved only for you.

till then...

love, Daddy

ps. mommy could not come but we will visit you when she is well and ready, she loves you as well.

Dear Gabriel

Dear Gabriel,  


It might be too early to write you this now. 

After all it would take a few years before you learn how to read but I think you need to know... 

The time will come when you and your mom will argue, it might be about something big or entirely petty. 

Whichever it is, it does not matter.

I know it will happen.  A lot.

After all, you are my son.

In those times you will try to be eloquent, rational and maybe a little dramatic.  You will speak with conviction. You will be logical. 

I hate to tell you this now but, you will never win.

Don't feel bad, she means well.  She only has your best interest at heart.

She will correct you a lot. Be at your heel about the smallest of things. Ask you to tidy up your room. Take up all your space with the knick knacks she will hoard. Be on your case about school, your dirty socks, pester you with the identity of your crush. She will get on your nerves at least twice a day.

But...

Never talk down to her.

She quit her Job for you.

It paid well, made her circle the globe and gave her perks like free massage at the Hilton. This is not entirely accurate but I think you get the point.
 
 It was job a lot of people dreamt of having.

But she gave it all up, so that she will have more time to be with you.  

Two months on the way, she flew home scared. 

Clutching her belly from all the bumps and air pockets for more than five hours praying to God you will be alright.  

Tell me Gabriel,  how would it feel if something was growing inside of you?  Kicking and squirming.  Pushing your ribs aside to accommodate the mass that constantly expands, not knowing how big it will get? 

She carried you for nine months.  All the weight that eventually crept in was not kind to her frail almost fragile figure.  All I could do was massage her back and feet before she sleeps at night but is was never easy for her, you were never easy.  

She bore all of that for you.  She put all the discomfort and pain, yes pain, she experienced aside to have you.

I tried my best to cook healthy and tasty foods for her but I knew that she did not really like all of them.  She is not a fan of the oatmeal, the soupy fish stews and all the fiber I fed her.   Yet she took them all in, flinching every time she chew, hoping it will help you grow and be healthy.

She spent countless hours worrying about your well being, made her whole world revolve around how and what she must do to make sure you are alright. 

Ultimately, she allowed the doctors to put her to sleep while they were looking at her grinning maybe whispering amongst themselves as they clean their scalpels, to make sure that you will experience less stress at birth, at her expense. (I was not really there inside the OR but I was worried too and imagined a lot while waiting, there was also he car accident I was involved in but that is a story reserved for another time)

And you came out perfect.  The first time I saw you, I cried. You are more than we ever expected, we are blessed.

All because of your mom's vigilance. 

She does it still.  

You are now a few weeks old and you wake her in the middle of the night demanding to have milk. She barely sleeps and can not stand the pang in her heart when you cry. I can not help but stare whenever she holds you, seeing; almost touching the love she emits for you.

When no one else is in the room she would go to me and break down.  As her tears make a puddle at the corner of my sleeves she would desperately ask why she cant make you calm, why she can not stop you from crying no matter how hard she tries because she worries about your condition.

Your Mom is amazing!  You mean the world to her. 

Treat her with respect and love her with all your heart as she does to you. 

Do not break her heart. 

Always remember what I tell you now. 

Never forget.  

She might not be able to tell you this all the time but she loves you dearly. 

Take care of her always.

Try to get along. 

Make her happy. 

Warning: 

Never go to me when you fight, I will always take her side.

I might love you without limits, but she is the love of my life and to tell you honestly its more than that, she is my life. 

Loving you both, 

Dad

My Vow to you (May 12, 2013 wedding vow at Caleruega, Batulao Batanggas)

Fey, 

I probably did this vow over a thousand times on paper and more than a million times in my head. 

That it has gotten to a point where I no longer know what to say. O, ow... 

So preparing for it might have been a mistake? 

I am the luckiest man in the world, do you know that? 

I know of no man who has met the woman of his dreams more so married Her but I AM and I'M PROUD. 

We may have went through a lot of challenges, it may have felt like dying when we broke up, but none of those things matter now. 

Here we are finally! 

Nothing or nobody could separate us from each other cause what's meant to be is meant to be. 

Thank you for this amazing feeling that you bring to my life. 

You are so beautiful that I could barely hold back my tears. 

Holding you feels like I am holding a dream. 

I will never loose you again, never! 

With God as our witness I promise to be your best friend, husband, partner and lover. 

To you and you alone. 

And eventually, the best father for our future kids. 

I have loved you the first time I laid eyes on you, and I will always love you today-now and forever. 

more than magic

I don't know how you do it

But I look into your eyes and it always bring my smile

Seems you could tell me the things you want and well, I would yap like a puppy and do all your bidding


When no word is even uttered

Such a skill i can not fathom

Is it charm? Is it a spell?

But I know I need no potion 

To feel how i feel 

With so much love overflowing I could dance and make it rain 
  
Tell me what is this connection 

Its an explosion from within 
  
I could feel our hearts beating through through my finger tips when I grab and hold your hand 
  
Its like our souls are rejoicing when skin touches skin 
  
All the little things you do brings me joy and gives me hope 
 I sit and watch TV and a thought of you would pop in my head 
  
Then the warmth would start spreading from stomach to my heart 

I would wake up in the morning to a confused and smoldered pillow when all night i have been dreaming

A tale sweeter more intoxication than the finest of wines

When your lips came into the picture I know i could not restrain with a lounging of a lion pounced and kissed your lips 

Then the butterflies all fluttered and the birds chirped your name 

But how could i resist when your more powerful than temptation and you are the vision that i saw in my mind before I knew your name 

Your a force stronger than all the magnets in the universe combined 

Life is not worth living when we paint a different picture 

Cause the day becomes sunny and the colors are more brighter 

Then traffic would not matter when I know i would see you, I drive drive to an indeterminable distance if its you i would go to 

Your always the reason behind in each and every smile 

Theres no pill 

no liquor 

no command 

no incantation   

To match the happiness I feel and your not even trying 

All you need to do is open your eyes from sleeping and the beauty that i see is enough to make the world a promise 

Loving you is a pleasure that i would dedicate to no one than to you who owns 

my soul 

my heart 

my mind