Dear Dad,

I still remember it.

 I was a college freshman, when you lost the election then your health started to fail...  

To and fro Manila you went to be treated for Cancer. 

At times the news were good, the treatment seemed to work; you even visited us at the boarding house where you drove all by yourself to get there, and then I learned the meaning of the word remission. 

Many times, I was just staring into space not knowing what to think but I was hopeful you would get better. 

One night, I saw Rosemarie, and Rosette and Roseanne straining to listen to the ear piece of the phone. You were calling from the hospital, so I picked up the extension and listened, your voice was weak but you said you were okay, you were getting better. 

But you LIED Dad. 

One night my roommate, who's name I can not even remember (was it Jojo)treated me to a night out because he got his commission from a car he sold. I did not know why I did not enjoy the booze, the billiard game even sight of pretty girls passing by. He asked me several times, if I was okay. I said yes. But was not sure if I was. 

Something felt odd. 

I was playing and drinking yet my mind was blank. We drove home. 

Too tired I tried hard to sleep. When I thought I finally dozed off, I heard Tita Mila's voice breaking as if she was about to cry. "Jay... Jay...", "Yes Tita?" "You have to wake up, we have to go to the airport... 

Your father passed away... 

His remains will arrive shortly at the airport. Your Tito and I will take you there" "Okay Tita" 

Everything was hazy at that time, I moved and made myself ready. Went down the stairs, conscious of the eyes looking at me in pity. 

I could not take it, even when we drove for the airport, those eyes filled with sympathy, I did not need it then, I so strongly wanted you to be alive still. 

I was in disbelief, in denial. 

For what seemed like hours, we finally got to the airport. I saw Manong Gi, who immediately gave me his most manly nod, which gave me comfort, and I saw Jorge, "Did they tell you just now?", "Yes", I answered, then he said nothing, I looked at him and he too gave me the nod. 

Then I saw, "Bing" my Aunt Dads youngest sister, and she gave me cigarettes, but I hugged her instead. And I tried to cry but no tears went out of my sockets. "It's okay there are no tears coming out of your eyes." she said. Maybe I was not expected to cry, being an Araneta man, must mean that. 

The casket went out, Tito Biboy, helped, so did the rest of the men of the clan. 

The ride for Ma-ao was excruciating, what will people say? I kept thinking... 

Never did it crossed my mind that you would die. Maybe I always thought you would live forever. 

The events that day were a series of bleeps. One moment I was at the airport, the next I was smoking outside of our house, then I heard little John Eli's voice asking Mom. "Why did Papa had to die Mang??" 

And then, tears came gushing like water from a broken faucet... 

After all these years, I still remember it like yesterday. Especially today. 

I write this letter while the weather joins my tears as I can still hear the rain continue to fall on the roof. 

If you can see me now, would what i do merit your approval? 

 If only, I can tell you all my failures and my little triumphs. I miss you dad. With all my heart. 

I long for you to scold me, to lecture me that I may mend my ways. I long for you to be here with me in the present. 

Am I doing the things that you planned for me? 

Well, I guess I will never know the answer to that. I wish for a lot of things. 

But most of all I wish you could have met her. I found my dream girl, her name is Gladys, shes a jewel, I know you would have loved her and would have treated her like she was your daughter. 

She is beautiful, smart, moody and very "suplada" at times, all the traits we men of the Araneta look for in a woman. 

Tell you what, you would have told me to court her, if you saw her while you were still alive, the way you did when you saw girls my age when I was younger. 

I wish you could be here to see me, proud, while waiting for her down the isle, anxious nervous and excited. I wish you could share the happiest day of my life.

There are nights that I still dream about you. 

Never can I forget your charm, your dry sense of humor. 

If only I could, spend a day more, just so I could tell you how much i love you. 

If only, If only... If only I could tell you, "Happy Birthday Dad". today. 

 Tita Jong told me last year, but I can not remember how old you would have been today...